Zephyr, Tau Ceti, 16.18.775 CW

22 megaseconds since the catastrophe

Wayra Cadotte was not good with human emotion. They were aware that some people, upon meeting them, associated that with their implants. Lots of people had implants and augmentations of various kinds, but most people chose to avoid obvious tells. Right at first, they hadn't had that option. Even with modern medicine, the damage from their reckless stunt had required external assistance to hold their skull together.

Still, they could have opted for something more subtle after it had healed, and didn't. The truth was that they had already been bad at human emotion—both recognizing it and expressing it. Visible implants just made masking easier.

As a result, it was well into their time pacing Robinson Station that Cadotte became aware that just about everyone except Espinoza was actively avoiding their company off-shift. It took actually asking Espinoza about it during an off-shift meal together to realize why.

"Wayra," he said quietly. They were not alone in Main Dining, after all. "You are positively radiating seething anger. Nobody blames you, but most people don't find that comfortable to spend time with."

Cadotte blinked, at first uncomprehending.

Next, they said, quite loudly, "I am fucking not!"

Then, the room went dead silent.

Then, they blinked again.

Finally, they just said, much more quietly, "Shit."

Maybe three kiloseconds later, Cadotte found themselves in Kasel's office—the Bosun's Office, technically, rather than his office as senior nurse, but the latter was rarely used. One person only needed one office, after all.

"You know you really should be seeing Dr. Saito for something like this, right?" Kasel said.

"Probably I should. But...I don't know Saito. Not really. I only know that you and the boss know Saito. He seems great, but..."

Kasel picked up the ball. "But we've been through the shit together. He's been through the shit, but not with us."

"Something like that, yeah."

"All right. What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

Cadotte recounted the conversation they'd just had in Main Dining. They were making a point to actually pay attention to Kasel's reactions, which was the only way they really "noticed" emotion in others. His lack of surprise told them everything they needed to know about the speed and efficiency of the ship's gossip network.

If they'd expected Kasel to immediately produce a remedy, however, or even a follow-up question, they were disappointed. Instead, he just kept looking at them.

It worked. Cadotte found themselves saying, almost unbidden, and at least as loudly as they had in Main Dining, "Everybody I ever cared about who isn't on this ship was blown to dust. How the fuck am I supposed to feel?!"

"Exactly like that," Kasel answered calmly.

Cadotte narrowed their eyes at him. "You don't."

"I do. I had friends in every system we know was affected, including Ross."

"You don't show it. And yeah, I know, I'm not the best judge of that, but I'm pretty sure if it were anyone other than me 'radiating' this much rage I'd see it. I just don't look in the mirror much."

"Right after we were done using the gym on Bellerophon as a morgue, the first thing I did was set the punching bag up again. I'm still punching things pretty often, and that helps. But while we were on Newer York, I also used my leave to spend some time in the green. Now that the arboretum is running, I spend a chunk of time there, too."

"And...that's it? That's the trick?"

"There is no one trick, unfortunately. Everyone needs to figure out how to channel it themselves. See, here's the problem. This isn't irrational rage. This isn't 'one of my bunkmates snores too much' rage or 'that guy moved my cheese' or whatever. We're talking about our friends and family gone in a flash. This is entirely comprehensible rage. Hard to call it 'rational' rage, of course, but you get my point. There'd be something wrong with us if we were NOT angry."

"I have literally never been this angry," Cadotte responded. "I have rarely been angry at all. Even after...this," they indicated the implants, "I could have been angry. I would have been angry at myself, because it was my own stupid fault, but, well, I knew it was, and in the end, I turned it all into an excuse to lean into who I was naturally. I'm not a robot, of course, but I'm not the most human person on this ship, certainly, and that was true even before this. This gave me the excuse to experiment more deeply with implants, because everyone was going to assume I was a cyborg anyway."

Kasel nodded, and said nothing. Cadotte sat with what they'd just said, with Kasel's telling silence, and then said, much as they had in Main Dining, "Shit."

"This the first time you been to anything like therapy?"

"As a kid, a bit, but I came by my spicy neurons honestly. My parents knew what I was about."

The tears started then, with the mention of their parents. Stupid things, tears. Lubricating eyeballs is great and all, but who needed them leaking like this?

And then the tears became sobs, the sobs became wails, and Cadotte decided this was as safe as space as any to fall apart, so they did.

There was more conversation after that, of course, but later on, Cadotte mainly remembered feeling a little more able to bear the weight of their anger without making it their entire personality. Considering their options, they'd asked Kasel if they wanted to come with them to the arboretum. He allowed as that sounded like an excellent use of his time. "After all," he said, "you're the Science Officer. Botany is science!"

"So it is!"

And off they went.

They arrived there to find PO Sharon bat Avi with her hands on her hips, looking abstracted and a little vexed in the direction of the complex garden they'd crafted.

Cadotte was still making a point to pay attention, conscious of the fact their habit of deliberately not paying attention had led directly to their current crisis. If they'd seen the reflections in others better, they'd have recognized what was happening in themselves. Or so they reasoned.

Bat Avi did not really hear them come in, but seemed to hear the hatch shutting finally, and turned a bit to see who it was. If they were surprised at all, it didn't show. Instead, they said, "Lieutenant, Chief," a simple greeting with a nod. They did not salute, but Cadotte didn't much care about that anyway, so they just nodded back, saying, "PO." They had been about to say why they were here, but bat Avi clearly had something on their own mind.

Aware of the notion of paying things forward, and having just had the benefit of a receptive ear, they said, "You present the appearance of a woman with a problem."

"Yes, Lieutenant, and I'm glad you're here. I was actually going to bring the problem to you, as soon as I puzzled out a bit more about it." She produced a lopsided grin. "You caught me mid-puzzling."

"Honestly, I came here just to...see it finally. The chief here suggested the greenery might do me good. But...I do like puzzles."

Bat Avi's grin turned more full as she said, "Right this way, then, LT."

The leaves were unquestionably fuzzy.

The leaves were not supposed to be fuzzy.

Kasel, who knew less about plants even than Cadotte, said, "Are they supposed to be fuzzy?"

"They surely aren't," bat Avi answered.

"You've analyzed this?" Cadotte asked.

"Nope," bat Avi admitted. "I'm a budding horticulturalist, but I'm not a botanist, per se. That's why I was going to bring it to you."

Cadotte saw nothing to rebuke, there. Instead, they focused their implants on the leaf, seeing what their implants could see, then said, "This is a fungus."

"I was afraid of that," bat Avi responded, making no comment about how Cadotte had reached the conclusion. "It's spreading quickly. This is a pretty small space after all."

"Any idea where it could have come from?"

"Honestly, LT, it could only have come from the same place as the cuttings."

"Newer York." It wasn't a question.

"Yep."

After another moment or three peering at it, including looking at multiple angles,

Cadotte said aloud, "Chef?"

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"How's your botany library?"

"Fair to middlin'. Why?"

"Because we don't actually have a botanist aboard at the moment. If I send you a file, think you can at least rule some things out?"

"I'm game to try!"

Cadotte made a bit of a gesture, as if flinging the file outward. It wasn't necessary, but it also wasn't entirely conscious.

Chef responded cheerfully, "Got it. I'll see what I can do!"

Refocusing on the room, Cadotte saw bat Avi looking at them speculatively. There was no judgment there. Aloud, the PO said, "Optic implants?"

"Right eye," Cadotte said, a bit more tersely than they might have just a few weeks ago. The conversation with Kasel had been beneficial, but it had also clearly stirred things up.

But the PO just nodded, and said, "My dad had both eyes. Acid splash in a lab in college. Said they came in handy, but he didn't recommend going through the acid part of it first."

For the first time in a while, Cadotte felt a genuine smile coming to their face, while Kasel said, "Can't argue with that logic."

"While Chef's chewing on the recording, want a tour?"

Cadotte's smile broadened. "Yes, PO, I would!